What Causes Relationship
Break Ups and How To
Avoid Them...
by Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
Almost everyone experiences a relationship
breakup
in their life and many experience
divorce.
Whether we like it or not, breakups happen and we
either get over them quickly and move on or we hold
onto the pain and grief for many years, perhaps forever.
Even if we seemingly "get over" our relationship breakups,
we may not completely heal our
broken hearts because
of what happened.
If you want to heal from a breakup or divorce, the
relationship advice that we will give is that you take
the time and energy you need to discover why your
relationship dissolved and what you can do differently
in a new relationship.
What caused your breakup and how could you have
avoided it?
Whether you need marriage advice
or dating advice,
the information in this article should start you thinking.
To help you with this process, we'll give you six
reasons why relationships break up and how these
breakups could have been avoided:
1. Existing challenges in the relationship are buried
and not dealt with. Most couples avoid looking at
and doing something
about the problems that exist
in their relationship. These problems might be
trust
issues,
flirting with other
people, jealousy,
infidelity,
lack of passion,
lack of
common interests--to name
a few. Challenges that the two of you simply walk
around and don't address eventually come to the
surface, usually in uglier ways.
What problems need to be addressed in your
relationship? Does one
or both of you want to spend
more time together?
If you do, how can this happen
without blaming
each other? Do you need to appreciate
each
other a little more? If so, in what ways can both
of you show appreciation to each other?
2. Old Fears Surface.
Most people in who are in an intimate relationship
experience fears coming up
from the past which might
not have anything to do with the current situation. These
might include fearing not
being good enough, attractive
enough, wealthy
enough or even having feelings of
abandonment. If not dealt with, these fears can
build walls between people and ultimately create
a split that may not be able to be repaired.
If fears are not looked at and healed, they
interfere in some way or another with the health
of every relationship. Take some time to notice
when the fears surface, be loving with yourself
but look inward instead of outward.
Ask yourself if your fears are "true" or are you
just making "stories" up in your head. If you are
creating those "stories" and there's no basis of
truth to them, then change your thinking. It's not
always easy to do and it takes moment by moment
monitoring of your thoughts. If you need help and
support to make the changes you want in your life,
be courageous enough to get it.
3. Each person has different expectations for the
relationship.
The people who unconsciously or consciously
think that just because they expect certain things from
the relationship, their partner expects the same. They
set themselves up for overt conflicts or sullen withdrawal
by not getting those differences on the table, honoring
and accepting them. If one person has expectations
and the other person tries to live up to those expectations
while wanting something entirely different, the relationship
is ripe for a break up.
If you share your expectations in advance, you'll stop
jealousy
and possibly
infidelity and
divorce from
happening. If you expect to be treated a certain way,
make sure that you tell the other person that this is
the way you'd like to be treated. It's even possible to
have fun
with differences if you look at them in a
conscious way.
4. Communication is Lacking in the Relationship.
For many couples, lack of communication is a big
issue and can tear couples apart. The two people
may trigger each other so often that even choose
to limit their interaction with each other.One person
may agree to do something just
to keep the peace.
One person may be
wanting to be loved and
appreciated in a certain
way but are afraid or not
willing to show their love and ask for love.
For whatever reason communication stops between
two people, if they don't learn how to tear down
the walls between them and open to intimacy, they
risk breaking up the relationship or dying inside.
To improve communication, make sure that each
of you listens to understand each other. This is a
skill that you have to learn to do because most of
us weren't taught how.
Listening to understand means listening with your
full attention, being entirely present with the other
person, without becoming defensive about what
each other is saying.
No, it's not easy to do but when you are able to
do it, the two of you will become closer, more
connected and more loving. We suggest you
start by giving your partner your undivided
attention and see how
trust grows
between you.
5. Not Feeling Understood, Valued, Loved and
Appreciated.
Everyone wants to feel understood, valued, loved
and appreciated and when we're not, we tend to
either withdraw or attack the other person for not
meeting our needs. If you want to be appreciated,
start appreciating the other people in your life.
Sounds simplistic but it really works!
If you are not feeling loved, start being open to
seeing and feeling the love and appreciation that
people
are giving you that you may not be aware
of in
your daily life. It may be that someone allows
you to go ahead of them in traffic or tells you
to go ahead in a grocery line. Send some
appreciation back to them and to everyone
around
you and watch love snowball in your life.
If you want to prevent a
relationship breakup,
we encourage you to discover together how you
can improve your relationship.
For more relationship tips, visit
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